Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I used to love him

With the return to my Alma mater comes reverence of old loves, old flames, old crushes, people who had crushes on you who never said anything, etc. So while I was at the the WU it was a pleasure to see the men gawk and say Damn Trina you doing the thing or the occasional damn I used to have a crush on you. But with all of those good moments comes some not so good moments. I titled this I used to love him for a reason. Prior to marrying my husband we dated on and off since I was 16. Even when we were off we were still together. I had the opportunity to meet, love, and learn from the men who were lucky to have my love. This goes out to that one who came to DD and profess his love a day late and a dollar short. I have to get this off my chest and out in the atmosphere so I can stop thinking about it and getting aggravated..

Closed mouths don't get fed! You had the nerve to get mad at me when I asked you over 10 years ago what the hell were we doing. Either shit or get off of the pot dude. No man is about to be laying in my bed and acting like we are together but you don't want to put a ring on let a lone a title on it. Nope! Not the kid! You had the nerve to get mad at me! Shit I had every right to get mad with you because you couldn't make up your mind if you loved me or not. You refused to talk to me for some months after that encounter so I bounced and moved on. Yes I went right back to that familiar as you called him, but he was open enough to profess his feelings right then and there. It might have been fear that he would lose me but all in all he did what he had to do and put up. I didn't have to force him to put a ring on it. He brought it!

I wasn't married until 21 months after his proposal so you had your time. We communicated during my engagement but nothing big, just the friendship thing. You always joking (a little too much if you ask me). You still made me laugh so I will give you that. You called him the lumpy spare tire and the familiar. You even called me scary and afraid to take a step out and experience new things. One thing you never said was WHY? Why should I step out there and experience new things. Who were you speaking of. You never could tell me. You never could say what was on your mind, so to me you were the one who was scared. I kept my distance and continued on with life, school, and work while planning my wedding ceremony. Then on the day of my wedding, you called my cell phone and you yell...Don't do it! WTF!?!? I couldn't contain my emotions. You waited until the day of my damn wedding to tell me to not marry him but you couldn't tell me why I shouldn't marry him just not to do it. Are you serious!?!? I was so livid my maid of honor and bridesmaids had to calm me down. Just to think this was supposed to be my special day that you tried to destroy but you still couldn't tell me WHY?!?!?

So after you have two beautiful daughters that have humbled you and helped you grow you want to tell me all those things that should have been said 10 plus years ago. Thank you! You are right it is never too late to express your true feelings, but what were you hoping would happen after you expressed those feelings? I'm not sure. All I can say is I used to love you but now all I have is love for you. I am happy that God has blessed you with two beautiful daughters. I am happy that you have grown and matured into a great father. I wish you nothing but success in your career whether it be rapping or blue collar work. I pray that you share with your daughters this story of a love lost and you tell them to never wait to do something that they can do that day. Tell them that tomorrow is never promised. I pray that you find the right woman, even if in your heart you believe that you did once upon a time and she has moved on (Me). I am happy!! My life is much different than what it was in college and grad school. I am so happy! Did I say I am happy already. Yes very happy! Let me be happy. Let me go so that you can move on. When you let me go only then will you be able to find that right woman and that is what I want for you. I used to love him....now all I have is love him that will never fade. Once I love you I will always care for you. Be blessed my friend.

I put this out there for anyone who can use this to grow. People come from your past and sometimes it is good and other times it is bad. Just remember the reason they were a part of your past. My mother always told me that. She would say they are in your past for a reason. I never knew what she was saying until recently. Old sparks come out in hopes to rekindle that flame but I realize why they were a part of my past. Either there were incapable of expressing their feelings, they were jerks, they were lacking motivation, lacking goals, lacking desire, etc. Sometimes we as women are hoping they have changed and our nurturing side comes out and we are looking to save them. Oh I can help him get to where he needs to be. We can't do that for all men ladies. We must allow these men to grow in their own time. Some men do well with a woman helping them some part of the way, but for that last green mile they need the Lord. Without a higher power it is a WRAP!! I realize that now after being married to my husband for almost 8 years. His last green mile God stepped in and he is not that same man I met 17 years ago. He is totally different. With my husband changing I needed to change and no one could do that but my God. I am not saying I am perfect. Nope! I am a work in progress.

Peace and always love.


*~RBG~* said...

Powerful post, Pers!

You are very right about ppl in your past... we think they've evolved but that is hardly the case. Hence why I am now in a co-parent situation. I am grateful it at least produced my sun... but it is a hard-lived lesson to live in the now. Not try to rekindle yesterday... because it can't help tomorrow. And we need to instill that in our children.

I really digs this.